building realities; don't wait for freedom, chase it
why I'm not a dreamer and why you can't orchestrate freedom
Part 1.1: Am I a Dreamer? No. I Build My Own Realities.
“I feel like you create realities, while I build them”
- jacky to b
I’ve never fully resonated with this idea of being a dreamer.
Lately, a few friends have told me that they feel like I exist within my own world, dreaming up different possibilities. They probably feel this way because the past few months I’ve been spending a lot of time alone and doing whatever I feel like doing. FOMO doesn’t affect me the same way it did with freshman Jacky. My moments of solitude are now sacredly protected. That’s why one of my rituals is no plans Sundays & dedicate the entire day to giving myself the space and time to read, write, and sit with my thoughts at a cute cafe.
I will admit that I do like thinking about the endless possibilities of my life, but I feel like dreamers aren’t tethered to reality while my realities are closely tied to everything I’ve observed in the world.
Maybe this is why I love Pinterest so much. I get a glimpse into the lives of others and how they view the world while being able to take bits and pieces from them to form my own life. Oftentimes, I have a pretty good idea, a feeling, or vibe of what I’m looking for. But I can’t exactly articulate what I’m moving towards which is why I spend so much time searching the world for what I see and slowly piecing it all together. I keep trying different things until I’ve found bits of it that resonate.
I think that is the main difference between me and dreamers.
Dreamers have this conviction about what they want to see created in this world, so much so that it seems like they create this reality out of nowhere. It almost doesn’t make sense. I envy this conviction they have towards something that hasn’t even materialized or might not even be material at all.
I feel this way because I’ve never really known what I wanted to do. I choose to make sense of the present and move toward the future by observing what has already been done. What I see and think is possible is deeply rooted in real life. However, before I can even piece it all together, I feel like I’m finding all these fragments while sinking in quicksand. It’s this slow sinking process that creates this intense sense of urgency. I feel like I need to search for the future I want to see or I’ll lose it all. It’s almost like when you’re about to wake up from a dream of the future you want to see, but when you wake up you’ll forget it all forcing you to rapidly try to remember this reality. That’s why I chase after these pieces of reality that I want to build with such intensely as they seep deeper and deeper while I’m slowly by surely putting it all together.
In this case, urgency shouldn’t be mistaken for panic. I think panic and excitement here are different sides of the same coin. The urgency here feels like excitement. It’s this feeling that there are so many things I’m interested in, but I almost can’t keep up with how fast it’s all coming to me.
However, I think it’s in these moments that reality-building happens.
Maybe, that’s the thrill of living in things that already exist. You can always find and build toward the reality you want to see even if it slips away if you just continue to move toward life with love and excitement.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*
Part 1.2: Don’t wait for freedom. Chase it.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a planner.
It runs so deep that I can even trace it to my childhood. I remember when I was little I would buy myself and my entire family Christmas presents from the dollar store (with the allowance I had lol) and pretend Santa got them for us. This started after I realized Santa wasn’t real because I saw that I received the same present as my cousin from “Santa.” When I asked my aunt who got my cousins that gift, she told me she bought it from the store. Since then, I’ve meticulously planned every Christmas and always knew what I would get for birthdays because I annoy people until they tell me. I’d rather know exactly what I’m going to get than be disappointed with no knowing especially when I realized I could dictate this future — anyone could be “Santa.”
This is why I’ve always felt weird about how neurotic I was about planning. On one hand, I’ve realized that it’s this trait that has allowed me to get to where I am today. I don’t think I would’ve been able to survive college applications or recruiting without doing this. But at the same time, I think this is as far as I can get.
Because now, I seek freedom.
This is the feeling I’ve been chasing even though a few friends and acquaintances have dismissed it or laughed about it because they didn’t care to understand.
It’s a burning feeling. It resonates so deeply with me that I can trace its origins to my childhood.
I think a lot of this comes from the fact that I don’t like waiting.
I don’t like the silence that comes with patience.
I mean don’t we all want the instant gratification of seeing our efforts or intentions?
Don’t we all want to know and be in control of our future?
Planning gives me this feeling that I’m actively taking measures to build toward the future I want to see. Planning makes you feel like you know what the future is going to be like.
But last semester, I realized I spent more time strategizing and applying to things (for my summer internship) than actually doing anything.
That’s why this quote in particular really resonated with me:
“If we wait for things long enough, we almost always change during the waiting. Waiting for the thing we want, we end up living forward into our lives.
- from Helena Fitzgerald (after reading it in making decisions by katie
I realized that I wasn’t really living.
This is why after the entire recruiting process, I ended up taking 3 months to do absolutely nothing but chill, read, write, and go to cafes every week. I was tired of continuously suffering and giving up my present for a future that I wouldn’t even see for another year. I was obsessed with thinking about how to get there more than the actual journey itself because of the sense of control it gave me.
You might be asking me now if you like the control that comes with planning so much why do you seek freedom?
I’ve been struggling with this question for a while now. But my tentative answer is that you can’t orchestrate freedom.
Because I actually tried to make it happen. This semester, I thought I was giving myself the freedom to explore my interests by making a list of all the things I wanted to do and picking a few out to try every semester. The thing is, I already had in mind the 2-3 things I wanted to try: doing a k-pop dance with our campus dance troupe, joining a musical, and researching with faculty. I had this entire plan in mind lol.
Two weeks into the new semester only 1 of these 3 things has come true. I didn’t pass any auditions for the musicals/plays I wanted to join, and I’ve been ghosted by a lot of staff and professors rip. I also didn’t get into, waitlisted, or missed the deadlines of all the fun/interesting classes I wanted to take.
My 2023 hasn’t really gone the way I hoped so far even when I thought I was more “free.” My thoughts toward what freedom is has changed. I thought freedom was doing the things I want to do and knowing exactly what I wanted to do. But I didn’t understand before that freedom is one of the only things in life that you can’t plan. I don’t think I’ve ever been truly free in the 20 years I’ve been alive.
True freedom is being okay with things not going as planned. It’s being open to any and all possibilities even if they radically contradict your past or what you think your future should look like.
I can’t plan my freedom.
I don’t know what the future has in store for me,
but that’s exactly why I’ll continue to chase it.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*
Part 1.3: jacky’s life through the things he loves (:
Cafe of the week:
Blue Stone Lane in Harvard Square
Got the Aussie Latte w oat milk!
I come here religiously & it’s quickly become my favorite spot. It always makes me so happy that this one worker recognizes me every time & knows that this one table on the balcony is “my table”
Substacks + Pieces (these inspired this post!)
- : in praise of slowing down
- : duration vs distance
- : making decisions
Zoelle: The Myth of the Non-Technical Startup Employee
As someone who’s non-technical in tech, this resonated with me so much. It helped explain so much of my lived experiences of why I feel like I constantly need to prove how much knowledge I have of the industry in order to not be dismissed so easily.
podcast episodes
Due Diligence: the case for not waiting & gefen skolnick — on raising capital using twitter & community-driven cpg growth
the biggest shoutout to Dulma for inspiring me to finally launch my substack and publishing this post!
The Karat Podcast: Ep. 7 - “melissa long quit google to post memes”
Lenny’s Podcast: lessons from airtable’s unconventional growth strategy
Content Obsession
The Amazing Race Season 28: I binged 8 episodes yesterday of this because I wanted to relive my childhood by watching my favorite YouTubers race (Tyler Oakley, The host from Clevver News)
Quote From Class That Burned In My Mind
“The Puritan wanted to work in a calling; we are forced to do so”
- max weber (from my sociology theory class)
Weber explains how the puritans worked because of a religious calling, but this calling has been lost for us now as time has gone on and we’re only left with this action of working intensely but having no religious purpose like the Puritans.
I spent all week thinking about this. In my studies, I’m often thinking about why we all have these sentiments about work where we have to “hustle” and “grind.” This quote provided me with an answer, that maybe it’s not even a conscious choice. Working intensely is within the very fabric of our culture because of the past. We might all work towards something that never even came from within.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*
What Does Self-Love Mean To Me?
Every week I ask someone this question and share their response with you.
This week I’ll start with my answer:
“To me, self-love & self-love rituals means building something that’s fully and only for myself. It means making decisions that are authentic to me. It means showing up in the world unbashedly myself. It means going on this journey of self-love for the rest of my life.”
- jacky <3
with love,
Jacky (:
Congrats on the substack launch, loved these reflections and recommendations. excited for the year ahead for you Jacky :))
This was a very beautiful read Jacky, excited to hear more of your beautiful thoughts!