do we choose loneliness?
maybe the answer to all of this is finding inner peace
3.1 Do I feel Solitude or Loneliness?
There are many nights that I walk back to my dorm Eliot House alone from the Smith student center at midnight, right before they kick us all out of the collaborative commons.
It’s become a bit of a routine.
I like to guess which finals club threw parties that night and observe the drunken people stumbling out into the chilly Cambridge streets. I walk past them and pick up my pace as I cross the four-way intersection, hoping to miss the cars that fly by at this hour. I also put on my fuzzy earmuffs over my AirPods. I still haven’t gotten used to the cool Boston cold even though it’s now my third winter on campus.
I enjoy making a game out of seeing if I notice something new about the buildings that I walk past every day. Somedays I see a kaleidoscope of LED-lit windows, paying close attention to the leftmost room on the tallest floor of Winthrop. It’s always lit red. But I find myself anticipating if today will be the momentous day that this consistency changes. Other times, I get distracted by the cute rabbits (and the occasional mice) that scurry in and out of the old administrative properties lining the path; sometimes pausing to take pictures of them so I can show my friends.
When I finally get to the entrance of Eliot, I feel the deep exhaustion that comes from being away all day. I think about the last of my readings and the few Chinese vocab flashcards I have left to memorize. I let out a deep sigh after passing through the heavy double doors.
Even though I desperately want to sleep and should get back to my readings, I skip right past the entrance of my entryway and open the doors to our dining hall, hoping to spot one of my friends. I look for them within the sea of freshmen swarming around their TF during office hours and try to find them before they notice me. Sometimes I go up to say hi. But other times just catching a glimpse of them is enough and I walk back out and up to my room.
It’s times like this that I wonder if I have a lonely existence.
Is this all self-inflicted?
I care a lot about my friends. Both here and across the interwebs. Even when it might seem like I’m ignoring them, it’s because I just fail to pay any attention to my surroundings since I’m always consumed with my own thoughts.
“I’ve walked past you a few times this week. But everytime I see you, your eyes look so empty.”
- “m” to me
But I read every text they send me. I make sure to check in every now and then and invite them to things I think they’d enjoy doing with me. I might not see them often, but I think about them a lot actually.
I wonder if they do the same.
I’ve been pondering this idea of loneliness and being alone for so long, slowly working towards getting to an answer to this age-old question I’ve been tackling as a pre-frosh. Part of me craves and envies the big friend groups that all congregate in the dining hall for weekend brunch. I find myself being forced to sit next to them, the lack of seating in Eliot makes for a tight fit in the dining hall. But I just keep to myself. I enjoy eating alone. I like to people-watch, imagining what their lives are like based on the bits and pieces of their world I get to see.
I like being alone because there’s so much of the world I want to see, observe, and just take it all in at my own pace. I’ve wanted so long to find inner peace within the turbulent rollercoaster that is my thoughts and emotions. I overthink a lot. I find myself constantly trying to make sense of it all. To make sense of my own life. Maybe that’s why I work so hard to keep the solitude I have now. That means I’m often my own, living fully within myself. Because of that, people end up coming and going from my life. I end up leaving their lives too. Sometimes, I might even get dismissed, dis-invited, and even disregarded.
However, I don’t think I was ever lonely in the first place. Even if it feels that way here and there, I choose not to see the world like this.
I chose to be alone.
But that doesn’t mean I chose loneliness.
Because every day I chose the people who have stayed and I show them how much I care in my own way, welcoming them into my life and sharing it with them. Whether they see it or not. Whether I see them or not. I think all that matters is that it’s my own choice.
I chose this for myself.
I chose myself.
But I’ll let the world choose me if it wants to.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*
Part 3.2: Jacky’s Life through the Things He Loves
I just went to blue stone lane again. I’ll update If I end up trying another cafe but probably not soon because the Boston weather just makes me want to stay in Harvard square.
What I loved reading + the words that inspired:
Isabelle Li: “LI: Loneliness”
“Loneliness flourishes in dissatisfaction, our insecurity that everyone else is doing better things with more people.”
Marina Keegan: “The Opposite of Loneliness”
One of my all-time favorite essays. If you’re in college or your 20s, this is a must-read. I come back to this every year.
Nancy Zuo: “Trust”
“i want to keep trusting. i want to trust that the moments together will be worthwhile, even when they aren't calendar-invited, perfectly curated, or on time. i want the inefficiencies, the disagreements, the spontaneity, and the amiss plans because only with them play out the improvisations of life.”
Kopi Club: “Letter 37. Loneliness vs. Being Alone”
Another one of my favorites. “Spring makes being open-hearted feel easy, and it is everything I want to be.”
What I loved listening to:
Gracie Abrams: “Feels like,” “Mess It Up,” “Wishful Thinking,” and “21”
her songs & these in particular seem to encapsulate the sense of loneliness I felt this week. It’s this melancholy but underlying hopeful energy that speaks to my soul.
Things I’m pondering // TLDR of this post
I don’t think I fear much actually.
I think I do deeply fear feeling lonely.
It’s not the physical act of being alone. I actually quite enjoy my own company. I think I fear feeling lonely which people often think comes from being alone, but I don’t think that’s how loneliness works. You could be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel lonely. The same could be true if you’re all alone.
I’ll choose to be alone.
But I won’t choose loneliness.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*
What Does Self Love Mean To You?
every week I ask someone this question and share their answers with you (:
“Self love means taking care of your mind and body and being kind to yourself. It means accepting your flaws and mistakes while always believing you can improve and reach your goals.”
- d <3
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*
with love,
Jacky (:
p.s. shout out to all my friends (and future friends) for reading this. I love you dearly.
Loved this read Jacky!! Can really resonate with a lot of it and have been thinking a lot ab being alone vs loneliness (and how our self perception might be very diff from others perception of our experience)