In order to gain something new and substantial, we need to give up something in our present in order to make space for it”
- “k”
I’ve thought about this conversation I had with my friend at a crowded pizza restaurant a lot. I feel like junior year of college is supposed to symbolize for many of us: the start of stability. It’s the culmination of ~3 years spent exploring classes, clubs, studying abroad, and summer internships which are all supposed to build up to your dream summer internship before senior year which gets you that return offer to come back as a new grad. I have all of this but I don’t feel any more confident about what I want to actually do. If anything, I feel more lost than ever.
This entire year has been a cycle of rediscovering past interests that I dismissed: things like academia, research, journalism, and vc were all things I “tried” but left to the wayside.
I’ve picked things up but then moved on quickly to the next. Whether I liked it or wanted to or not, I had to make space for what was new to come. It’s almost like I erase the past every time I jump into something new. Metaphorically, I feel like I just continue to jump into the same few hats but hopping to magically finally pop back out to find wonderland. Except, I feel like I’ve just returned to the same hallway of doors. I open one door, to find more doors — I’ve never found wonderland.
I’ve recently forsaken opportunities that I would’ve given up an arm to have when I was a starstruck freshman. The same 18-year-old who spent his first summer break after freshman year in Silicon Valley living in a hacker house filled with 20 other high-achieving, highly neurotic teens and new grads twenty-somethings. I feel like the direction I’m moving towards in the immediate future isn’t this. It’s almost like all of these “successes” of things that I’ve wanted in the past manifesting in the present are like shiny red apples that tempt my conviction towards what I actually want to move towards.
It’d be so easy to reach out, take a bite and accept the path I had left.
I didn’t, I gave most of it up but I am going back to SF this summer. To the place where I discovered “Tech Twitter,” the venture capital fellowships, and all the tech companies. It’s the place that started it all for me.
I’m excited to return. I’ve missed picnics with friends at dolo, the slew of cute cafes and ice cream shops around the mission, and all the people I call friends and family who now call the bay home.
I’ve always felt so close yet so far from SF. It’s always seemed to be the place I’d return back to eventually. I have a soft spot for the bay even though objectively I honestly did not have a good time the first time I was there — friends and folks from that summer can corroborate this. There are still a lot of things wrong with the city. I’m not particularly excited to be inundated with conversations about ai/ml as well as all the events, happy hours, and hackathons where I’m sure this will be brought up as well as the usual questions of “what do you do for work.”
I wonder what my experience will be like this time around.
I’m a few years older,
made a few more pivots life direction-wise,
went on a few more dates,
slightly more grounded toward the reality of this industry,
and have a lot more confidence and conviction toward who I am now that I’m (almost) 21.
I grew a lot the first time I was in SF. But I wonder if going back will undo all the progress I’ve made since. Will I be tempted by the sparkly titles, AI hackathons, and “founder house ragers” as I was once before or forsake it all, again?
It’s easy to leave; It’s even easier to come back.
✧・゚: *✧・゚:* *:・゚✧*:・゚✧✧・゚: *✧・゚:* *:・゚✧*:・゚✧✧・゚: *✧・゚:* *:・゚✧*:・゚✧✧・゚: *✧・゚:* *:・゚✧*
Jacky’s life through the thing’s he loves
🌱 recent reads that spoke to my soul
“disorientation” by elaine hsieh chou
short description: a Taiwanese American woman’s coming-of-consciousness ignites eye-opening revelations and chaos on a college campus in this outrageously hilarious and startlingly tender debut novel
This book single-handedly got me back into reading books (for fun so ty Katie for sending me this). I’m thinking a lot now what are the experiences in our lives that cause this same “coming-of-consciousness.” Things/experiences that force us to confront and reconsider our lives and all the decisions that have shaped them. How often can we find the answers we seek through the things we’ve dismissed?
🍿 what I’m watching
boys planet: a south korean competition show of trainees to form a new k-pop boy group.
vote for zhang hoa & jun hyeon <3
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What Does Self Love Mean To You?
every week I ask someone this question and share their answers with you (:
“I think self love is accepting every part of yourself rather than trying to box yourself into someone that you are not. It is having clarity about who you are and what you want, having the courage to show who you truly are to others.“
- l
✧・゚: *✧・゚:* *:・゚✧*:・゚✧✧・゚: *✧・゚:* *:・゚✧*:・゚✧✧・゚: *✧・゚:* *:・゚✧*:・゚✧✧・゚: *✧・゚:* *:・゚✧*
with love,
jacky