I'm not built for NYC

reflections on choosing yourself instead of being a follower.

Today marks one month in NYC.

I moved here after traveling around China & Hong Kong, attempting to recover from the deep burnout I experienced after the most frantic (but fulfilling) summer of my life.

Every time I'm sad about NYC, it's for the same reasons — I feel like this city inhibits people from having deep friendships or an actual community. It's similar to how I felt in Shanghai — something about these cities makes everything feel transient and urges you to close in on yourself.

I don’t like the version of me that’s in this city.

So much of my effort is seeped into doing simple things like scheduling dinner. I feel lonely not because I’m alone. The irony is that I have many friends here, yet NYC makes me feel lonely. There’s also plenty of opportunities to make new friends, but I don't need that to feel less lonely.

I just want the friends I already have to treat me like a friend.

But at the same time, I can't fault them.

Everyone has good excuses for why they can't do something.

It makes everything feel so forced and belabored. I've tried hard to enjoy this city, but every time I take one step forward, something reminds me of where I started from and I just take steps back.

I'll never fault my friends for not seeing me, but it is a reflection of their current priorities, and it’s not me. That’s fine. But I want to live life for something more than just myself.

The city reminds me so much of college and who I am when I’m in college — constantly running around, trying to make time for everything. In turn, it meant I ended up having no time for anything.

At 18, this life was fine. At 22 , it isn't the life I want to choose anymore.
I've begun to accept that I'm not built for this city and that’s okay.

My friend Shaahana wrote about being a follower and choosing where to go by following the people who are most important to you.

But what happens when you go there, and they don't choose you?

I've spent a lot of time this past month trying to go back to the version of me from this summer when I felt like I was thriving.

But I'm getting older. I no longer want to or have the energy to exert so much effort.

I don't regret coming here because you don't know what version of yourself you become until you're there.

Maybe I'm being selfish, but instead of choosing where to go based on where my friends are, I'm going to choose based on where I like myself the most.

The version of myself that I'm proud of.

The one that shows up for my friends no matter what.

The one that makes time for them no matter how busy I am.

I’ll continue pouring into my community of friends, and I no longer want that to feel hard, belabored, or forced.

I'm choosing myself because I want to be the best version of myself for the people who choose me, wherever I end up.