live life like a pre-frosh

sometimes I just want to be a pre-frosh, 18 & ready to take the world by storm

who do you look up to?

Part 2.1: Live Life Like a Pre-frosh

I had a really good day yesterday:

• I stayed up late the night before finishing season 30 of The Amazing Race.

• I woke up around noon, ate brunch alone in our dining hall & listened to Dulma Altan’s podcast, Due Diligence.

• Then, I went to the art museum’s cafe and caught up with a dear friend and got to hear about her winter break adventures in Brazil. We talked for hours about topics relating to conviction and where we were at in our lives.

• Later, I went to a BSO concert through Harvard. There was a lovely reception where we talked to one of the BSO’s violinists. It was also the first time since 2020 that I’ve been back at a concert hall with my days of playing the violin.

It’s days like this that make me really enjoy going to college — I had finally grown to love a place that I had wanted to leave for so long.

posted this to my close friends after the day

On the way back from the BSO, the friend I was with sensed this too. She said that whenever she talks to me now, she senses this calmness that I carry with me since I started this semester. This honestly surprised me because compared to last year or even my high school days, no one would’ve ever described me as calm.

It led me to think about where I was a year ago and what has changed in my life.

I don’t think I’m working any less than I was before. I probably work more time-wise compared to when the moments of my life when I have been super stressed out and neurotic.

I know how bad my gcal is AH, it’s also bc I’m taking 5 classes right now. Also yes this is color-coordinated.

The only thing different I could pick out was how I was approaching this semester.

Nowadays, I live day by day and week by week. I talk about my most recent obsession and things I can’t get my mind off, that being AI Kpop groups (MAVE just debuted and created such a splash) and the Glossier Mafia. I ask my friends the same existential questions I’m pondering and writing about. I scour our college mailing lists to find cool events and go to them, even if I have no clue what it’s about. I push myself to reach out to more people (both new and old) that I want to talk to instead of only living in my own world. I text people what’s on my mind, even if I find it uncomfortable to tell people that “I miss them.”

I used to live only on the edge, going from one extreme to the next. How I live now can look mundane in comparison to the past.

But I’ve realized that the type of conversations I have now is completely different than the ones I had just last spring. My friendships in the past were built on talking about the crazy things in our lives that happened to other people and to us. We never actually talked about ourselves and all the things that make us who are today.

I don’t think they knew much or cared to know much about me beyond my crazy stories and the constant drama in my life — I don’t think I knew much about them either.

The people who were in my life for the stories and excitement of it all have now since left. These days, I find that only the people who care about what I have to say or think have stayed.

When I’m articulating my most recent life to these friends that I’m catching up with, I find it difficult to put these changes and feelings into words which is why I keep coming back to this:

Right now “I feel like a pre-frosh again.”

The summer before college was electrifying. I wasn’t bounded by the structures of the institution I attend or force-fed paths I can go on to become successful. When I was a pre-frosh, I didn’t even know much about what career paths or industries even existed or were respected since I grew up in a small town in Soth Carolina.

Everything seemed so new to me while I still hung on to my past and the things that led me up to that point. I could picture myself going down a million different paths and each one was just as likely to happen compared to the next. I truly thought anything was possible. Even my wildest dreams like working on the set of a queer Thai drama or helping out at the studio that produces my favorite k-pop podcast that I’ve been listening to for years or even going back to my home country to teach English.

I never thought my dreams tied to these random interests were silly or dismissed them. I had this unshakeable confidence and energy that only pre-frosh possessed. This vigor meant led me to think that I could fully pursue these different dreams and paths to the fullest extent and charge at them with such wonder and excitement.

But people always talk about returning back to your childhood curiosity. They say that it’s the interests you held and developed during childhood that are the purest. There are no underlying motivations behind doing the things you do because you’re discovering things for the first time.

This advice was never helpful to me.
Instead, I always went back to who I was when I was a pre-frosh. My 18-ish-year-old self.

I think back to my senior spring of high school after you’ve gotten accepted to college which I spent all of high school working towards.
I remember the summer before college, the last time I was truly “free” before I enter the ivory gates of college.

Back then, I’d seen so little of the world. I didn’t know as much as I do now or even as much as I did as a pre-frosh compared to when I was a child. The early days seem so fuzzy to me now. They all just seem like pieces that blend together, remnants of nostalgia that surface every so often to remind me of the big dreams I used to have. Most of these were founded purely on the things I had exposure to at the time like I’d wanted to have my own restaurant one day because my parents did.

The reason why I reference this part of my life instead of childhood is that at 18, I didn’t know what career paths were even out there but I held onto the interests that persisted throughout childhood. The years I spent running my Taylor Swift fan account on Instagram, making “fan edits” for her using 12 different picture editing apps on my phone, and selling & buying pokemon cards on eBay all built up to one single point in my life.

These were all the things that stayed with me for 18 years of my life.

I had seen enough of the world to hold onto the pieces of reality that I loved while being so excited and open about what was to come. There was this naive ambition that existed sprinkled in with a twinge of a reality check. I knew the world wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. I realized this but I chose to believe that didn’t apply to me.

I believe that is all it takes. It’s this unfounded confidence that gave you the courage to think you could do and become anything. Nothing was too late. Nothing was too difficult to pursue. Even if you knew that these things might not be fully true, you’d still throw caution to the wind.

Consequences became a whisper; they disappeared like the cool summer breeze as you continue to sprint towards your future. I wanted to do everything all at the same time and just let fate decide for me which path I’d end up on because at that point all the paths were open.

My friends and I look back at this now and see this energy in a lot of the freshmen. They begin college with so much spirit and optimism, but as soon as they start all the consulting clubs on the second day chase them down to lure them into joining their club. Then as the second semester starts, reality hits. There now rushing to figure out their summer internships and fighting to climb board positions during spring elections. Sooner or later, they’re going to end up like us upperclassmen. Jaded and weathered by the years of college as we face the harsh realities of a difficult tech recession.

Whenever I feel this way,
I just think back to who I was as a pre-frosh.

Don't you see the starlight, starlight
Don't you dream impossible things"
- starlight, by taylor swift

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*

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Part 2.2: Jacky’s Life through the Things He Loves

Cafe of the week: Blue Stone Lane

• I got the mocha Aussie latte

• I might honestly just go here every week lol I love it so much. I think it’s important with how much change I have day to day with all the random events I attend to have somewhere I return to that feels safe like blue stone lane.

What I loved reading:

manners & mystery: “authenticity”

• “We don’t need a game to ask these questions and open up, but somehow, we don’t think to ask the people we think we already know what question they’re trying to answer most in their life right now or what’s a dream they’ve let go of. But asking these deeper questions gives them the chance to surprise us.”

Alex Ker: “On Motivation and Optimization”

• “I think we generally undervalue the origin of an ambitious project.”

What I loved listening to:

Starting from nix: “cost of change”

Dam venture: “placing (some of) the blame for the lack of diversity in VC”

Due Diligence: “connie chan — general partner at a16z on china, consumer, tech & investing lessons”

Quote (from class) I’m pondering :

“statements about language are never only about language — and they are never only statements… Statements about language always reach beyond the immediate linguistic forms. They implicate knowledge about the rest of social life; they intersect with other communicative means; they give signals about their speakers; and inevitably, they are social actions embedded in history”
- from my east asian studies tutorial class

• I entire point of this explains that how people talk about languages reveals their perspectives on the world like how intellectual elites condemned the development of the Korean alphabet (hangeul) because Chinese scripts were the language of the elites. I’ve seen how these sentiments are reflected in all aspects of life. How we talk about things, whether we dismiss or uplift them reveals something deeper about ourselves. Oftentimes, people project onto you their deepest fears just like how the Korean elites projected their insecurity.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*

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What Does Self Love Mean To You?

every week I ask someone this question and share their answers with you (:

“ I think self love is seeing the possibilities of who you could be and what you can do and trying your best to get there. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to hold yourself to high standards and be the best version of yourself”
- k <3

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*

with love,
Jacky (: