I am a character

are you?

would you scream if you saw how the world viewed you?

“Everyone’s Replaceable”
- abby lee miller from dance mom’s

I’ve built a lot of my sense of self on this idea that I’m irreplaceable. That you’ll never find someone just like me. A lot of my friends and people who have met me would probably say the same.

That’s why I found it easiest to describe myself as a “character.”

That comparison always seemed to resonate with others when I brought it up in conversations. I think it’s the identifiability aspect that comes with characters. We all remember Kim Possible’s ginger hair and camo pants, Shego’s green and black jumpsuit, and Ron’s clumsiness.

For me,
that would be that one blue floral shirt I love to wear in the summer.
The sparkly, pastel-colored necklaces that always seem to be strung across my neck.
Not being able to shut up about sweetgreen, bai coconut water, and cafes.
Lining the inner corners of my eyes with glitter.
How much I love pokemon, k-pop, web-toons, and plushies.
My hair — apparently it has a very unique volume as my friends describe it.
Most recently, it’s been writing “self-love ritual” every week.
And of course, who could forget how embarrassingly active I am on tech twitter?

Safe to say, I have a lot of very easily identifiable characteristics. But I wonder why I make the things I love such a big part of who I am. It’s almost like these qualities swallow me whole, not allowing others to separate them from my very existence.

Another aspect is how polarizing my personality is/can be.

It always seemed like people either instantly liked me or didn’t. I would either get dismissed right away or welcomed with warm arms. There’s something about how distinct a “character’s” personality is that allows them to either have an army of dedicated people rallying around them or be universally hated.

I mean you wouldn’t be a “character” if you were generally well-liked.
People tend to remember things that stick out and break away from the mundaneness of life. I think it’s that distinct quality that draws you into specific people’s energies and their realities. They seem so convicted towards who they are as people. The world never seems to be able to dim them enough to conform like the rest of us.

I’ve always wondered if I played into the fact that I’m a character.

If people already thought I was a bit obnoxious, why not up the antics?
I’ll tell them all about my crazy dating stories, friendship breakups, and dis-invitations from spring break plans.
If people already thought I was super bubbly, why not always be at 110%?
I can be their sunshine even though I’m midnight rain.

But being a character is not a badge of honor — it’s a scarlet letter.

You’ll only be remembered by your most identifiable characteristics.
You’ll be un-changing, trapped in the image of your past
because that’s what made you a character in the first place.

Who would I be without all of these carefully crafted characteristic traits? Without this story, would I exist?

I’ve struggled with this for a long time. But retreating into other people's expectations is no way to live. You’ll only ever be known for the things that happen to you, but never for who you are as a person. For a while, I believed in this reality that I had set up even though I felt like it swallowed me whole.

I was consumed by the very expectations of myself that I set in others. But I don’t want to be a character anymore — not the background character, supporting, side, or even main character.

I want to be out of character.
I want to be the author.

But I mean, I think I’ve been the author the entire time whether people realized it or not — I was the one who wrote this character.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*

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Jacky’s Life through the Things He Loves:

What I loved reading + the words that inspired:

• Manners and mystery: “Main Character”

  • “Embodying main character energy is about manifesting your truest self. And it involves a certain amount of self-creation and self-expression.”

• Hannah Mark (YDN): “Inventing (H)Anna(h)”

  • my main takeaway from this was that if you ask, you’re already slightly more likely to receive.

What I loved listening to:

This rock Weeekly’s Afterschool

• This song is already one of my go-to favorites but this version of it just hits so differently. I literally cried the first time I heard it.

Things I’ve been pondering:

“Is research an ivory tower?”
- from my sociology models & research class

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*

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What Does Self Love Mean To You?

every week I ask someone this question and share their answers with you (:

“To me, self love is when you push yourself to become a better person whether that means doing something you’re afraid to do or just learning a new skill, setting boundaries and taking time to care for your wellbeing”
- b

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*

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with a lot of love,
Jacky (: