cruel summers

i truly feel alive only during the summer

I feel as listless as this piplup

I’ve only ever felt true freedom during the summers.

That’s why it feels like I just live through the rest of the year listlessly, waiting and working toward the summertime so that I can start truly living.

Our entire system sets us up for this too. Before we graduate college, we all have summer break – time that’s finally ours, moments untethered to prior commitments we can’t escape. Teenage coming-of-age movies always take place during the summer as well: backyard barbecues, pool parties, sleepovers, and conversations with friends that keep you up all night until dawn. It paints a picture of these magical few months that are always life-changing.

But there are downsides to this too.

This year, in particular, I’ve especially felt this. I spent most of my fall recruiting for the long-awaited junior-year internship. I dedicated my entire spring to figuring out the logistics of this: booking flights, finding housing, and making all my plans.

Now that it’s finally here, the payoff is definitely there. I’ve spent the past few weeks moving into a new place in San Francisco, catching up with close friends whom I haven’t been able to see for a whole year, going on picnics at the park, attending conferences and concerts, celebrating birthdays, and hanging out with the other interns at my company.

a few moments from june which is passing me way too fast

It’s exactly what I imagined, but I haven’t really felt fulfilled recently.

I’ve written about this before, discussing the dangers of wasting your life away by planning for the future instead of enjoying the present.

I fear the fleetingness of it all.

If I only truly live during these three months, it really puts pressure on me to make the most out of it. Because in a few months, I’ll have to go back to working towards the next summer and being able to relive it all again.

Will it always be so cruel to wait all year for summer just for it to end again eventually?

Siri, play cruel summer by taylor swift

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*

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Internal Dialogue + finding self-love again

I’ve just been hopping from plan to plan, place to place, and conference to conference with no pauses in between. In June, I re-discovered how important it was for me to have strong personal boundaries, commit to myself, and say no to things.

I’m not sure how exactly I will overcome this feeling of only ever living for the summers and having it all pass me so quickly. I think part of that journey has been dedicating alone time to myself again. I broke my weekly cadence of dedicating Sundays to cafe rituals during finals period in may. Since then, I’ve had a hard time picking it back up again but I’m making an effort to hold at least one day a week to my rituals: alone time spent dedicated to doing things that energize me.

I love all my friends dearly (so if you’re reading this hi), meeting people and going to events but I will be dedicating July to hibernating so I can actually start making progress on other things that matter. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to have fun at all but more so towards shifting that balance towards other prioritization now so no more going out for plans every single day + night like I did in late may & early June.

I was having this conversation with my dear friend when he mentioned that fulfillment and fun are different which is why working toward fulfillment might not exactly be fun.

That has lingered with me since.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ

thank you for reading this!! I haven’t posted in a while mostly because I haven’t felt like I’ve had something I’ve been dying to say. I’m trying to take cafe rituals less seriously, but I do hope to publish more in the veryyyy near future! It might look very different than what I’ve put out before but I’m excited to share more about all my adventures soon (:

with love,
jacky <3