Last week was the first week I hadn’t published my weekly substack since I started. I’d decided to make my post bi-weekly after publishing weekly for the past 3 months.
In my piece “forsaking,” I talk about how we often need to give something up to make more room in our lives for other things to come in and develop.
I’ve been in the process of doing just that this past March.
It feels a lot like weeding, having to remove the remnants of my past. Especially those that are a little too overgrown and seem so deeply rooted in my daily life.
So far this year, my life has revolved around this substack.
I’ve grown to “like” writing over the past few months. Despite majoring in the humanities and social sciences, I actually hated writing. Part of me wonders if this entire process is like Stockholm syndrome. I write over and over again, but the novelty of publishing something weekly wears off after a while. When I started self-love rituals, I never went into it with the intention of this blowing up. It was meant to be an add on to my cafe rituals which is where I go to a cafe every Sunday and read all the articles/substacks/things I’ve bookmarked & journal all of my thoughts down. It was something I loved and protected sacredly — a few of my friends would push back against not being able to plan anything on Sundays. However, this is a choice I own and will vehemently protect. CafeRituals is something I look forward to so much so that I’m willing to compromise other aspects of my life for it.
But I didn’t anticipate was how much this sacred practice I’d kept up with for months would change when I decided to take it public.
It became a job.
For some weeks, I didn’t even journal.
I’d just spend the entire day for CafeRituals just writing my piece for substack.
As someone who studies the sociology of labor academically, I’ve always known about the dangers of transitioning personal hobbies into more public ones. I experienced this firsthand as I became increasingly agitated with the work I was putting out. Even though I had essentially forloned my time to reflect for myself to put more time into producing a cohesive piece, I was never content with what I was producing even though it seemed like my friends and everyone else loved it.
I think I can finally understand why the writers I had looked up to growing up stopped writing regularly or why artists I love like grace abrahams’ hates her song “mess it up” even though It’s my favorites.
I also get why I’ve gotten a lot of comments from friends and acquaintances like:
“I could never share so publicly like you do.”
“It’s so cool that you just share your entire life out there on the internet”
We all filter what we put out there in some way or another. In stripping down my thoughts into something cohesive, I think I took a lot of the soul out of what and why I write. It became hard for me to become proud of the pieces I published, especially the ones I published more recently. It started to feel like what I was writing and posting publicly weren’t exactly things I felt strongly compelled to write or share. Maybe it’s because some of these were never meant to be shared in this capacity.
In my East Asian Studies class, my professor stated:
“Poems are never finished, just abandoned”
While I’m not writing poems, this quote deeply resonated with me because it describes how I feel about my essays. Weekly posts (and CafeRituals) to some extent were a forcing function for me to write consistently. Catalyst can be great to develop habits and to encourage yourself to finally do something. But along the way, you might forget why you began something in the first place.
I don’t need a forcing function to write habitually anymore. It’s become so ingrained within me now to divulge my thoughts and catalog them.
To pull the band-aid off, I’m no longer going to be publishing CafeRituals on a regular fixed cadence.
I don’t want to feel like I have to abandon my thoughts to push something out. This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop posting my writing publicly. It’s more so that I’ll post pieces when I feel like there’s something I feel compelled to say and share. Maybe that’ll be literally posting tomorrow, next week, next month, or even longer but I still have a lot I want to say. There are a lot of pieces left in my drafts that are just waiting to be picked up again. I want to give myself the time to sift through it all, to plant it, and give it a chance to grow.
But this isn’t a goodbye because as I’ve stated before:
“It’s easy to leave; It’s even easier to come back.”
- from forsaking, by me
Maybe some things have to be on pause until they can start again.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*
Jacky’s life through the thing’s he loves
☁️ Reflections
This week I finally feel like I’ve been able to catch my breath. I feel like this semester I’ve taken on all the “debt payments” and made them in advance. I worked incredibly hard now so that I could work less and make space for the future. I’m still not quite sure if this was worth it.
🌱 recent reads that spoke to my soul
“winning,” by vincent
“i wanted nothing more than for my friend’s life to be as good as possible, for them to move past all their insecurity and indecisiveness and become the person they were trying to be”
”selecting for obsession,” by rona
“And that’s what I find so compelling in other people, too. Reckless curiosity, childlike wonder, a neglected resumé. Intelligence matters, success matters, but perhaps those things arrive later, and perhaps those qualities are not so rare among people I know. But the inner confidence to commit to a passion—that is special.”
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*
What Does Self Love Mean To You?
every week I ask someone this question and share their answers with you (:
This week, I chose someone in particular who has a lot of interesting thoughts on work, life, and self-love.
“Self love to me means letting yourself relax, giving yourself the time and space and liberty to fuck up. Not trying to over index and over control things and just accepting that nothing is that important at the end of the day. It’s all a game, life is meant to be fun.”
- “l”
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧
With a lot of love & until next time,
jacky <3
<3
I’ll miss you! 🫶🏼